Dear Pam,
My daughter and I have had this off and on relationship for years, she’s 24 now. Things were beginning to get better about a year ago when I left my partner of 6 years. He wasn’t a positive influence on my family, friends even said he had narcissistic characteristics, so I understand my daughters distance then but I’m having trouble understanding it now that I’m on my own.
She’s been living with her boyfriend for about 3 years and I can’t help but think he’s a narcissist and controls when and who she can see. She has mentioned he’s emotionally abusive. I’ve been recently diagnose with severe depression and not having a relationship with her is really hurting me.
I guess what I want to know is, should I tell her it’s hurting me and should I tell her she’s living with a narcissist?
Shelly
Dear Shelly, Thank you for your email and thank you for allowing me to share your journey of trying to manage parent-hood with a child who chooses, for the moment to keep their distance. I say, for the moment, because we have to remember life is fluid, it moves when we do.
I know your story of a child who’s distant all to well…and share my offerings in hopes that something aligns with the direction you wish to go as a mom and as a woman.
The ideas I share are not magic or textbook, they are from a place of clearly knowing my intention, which was to have a healthy relationship with my 2 daughters… and then peeling the layers of what healthy meant to me, i.e. safety, stability, active listening, knowing who I was in their presence, being supportive and peeling my ideas of what supportive looked like etc….
Should I tell my daughter I’m hurting? There are no simple solutions or quantum inspirations that can mend a soul in pain. One thing I know for sure… when we get still, when we search deeply, and just sit in that stillness for however long it takes, beautiful things emerge. Our body turns into this emotional barometer and helps move us in the direction that best aligns with our intentions. This movement feels good, it makes more sense than any other option, it feels free… So I guess what I’m saying is, a lot of the answers you’re looking for are inside you, waiting for you to get still!
Here are some ideas that might help move some old material out of the way so new material has room to move in.
Women…moms, well we’re pretty powerful beings and when we venture on the path of personal growth and well-being our lives expand. When we take authority over our own life first we are better able to support or walk with a loved one in need. Kinda of like the oxygen mask procedure in the airplane, put your mask on first, then assist your loved ones. Getting to know who you are, what makes you tick, what makes you feel safe, is like spinach to Popeye – powerful!
Should I tell my daughter she’s living with a narcissist? I don’t know if you’ve ever had the experience of having your own mom or even a friend give their biased opinions about the person you were dating but it usually doesn’t feel good or end well. The child usually stays in the relationship longer to prove the parent wrong or feel a sense of shame for not meeting expectations and stop sharing all together. They can go as far as thinking that the solution is to give up more of who they are, handing over most of their power, for the sake of another’s happiness and avoid their worst fear of all, being unwanted.
Plant dream seeds Shelly and sprinkle them with loving and warm thoughts about what life will look like, smell like, taste like, sound like and feel like when you and are daughter are where you want to be. Get well enough in your own mind so you can trust that you deserve to not just dream it but live it too.
Namaste, Pam Blanchard
CERTIFIED LIFE COACH, CERTIFIED IN ALTERNATIVE DISPUTE RESOLUTION
